Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way.

    You know, I have started this next post at least five times. With each attempt, I would get into the third or fourth sentence and delete it. I would just stare at the screen thinking, "what do I want to say? what is important?". To be honest, I still don't know what I want to write. I could complain about the unfair reality of our insurance system. I could cry and whine about having to find a couple thousand dollars to pay up front even though I have insurance, but I don't want to.
I could tell you about how the snow storm cancelled one of the procedures I was supposed to have this morning, but I don't want to.
So what is left?
     One of the things people keep asking me is how am I feeling. Four simple words, but I can't come up with enough words to respond. I am standing in the middle of a tornado of feelings. I stand in the erie calm waiting for the tears, the fear, the anxiety, the joy, the excitment, but nothing comes....yet. I sit in my bed in my childhood room feeling all the extremes there are to feel.
     HOPE. I finally have a hope for a different life when it comes to my eyes. I won't have to rely on contacts or glasses anymore. I won't have to suffer through bloodshot, burning eyes because I can't function without contacts. I won't have to joke about bumping into walls and dropping things because I have my glasses on. I won't have to feel like a freak when talking to professionals about my eyes.   
     FEAR. Yet on the other end of this emotional storm is the fear and doubts. It is hard for me to admit that I am afraid. I want to be strong and unwavering, but I am terrified. What if I waited all this time and it doesn't work. What if they can't even complete the surgery because my eyes don't have enough muscular support for the lens to stay. What if the surgery is a success but one day, years down the line, the stitches dissolve and the lens detaches.
      LOVE. I feel supported by so many people and yet feel so alone. I know that I have a family, a boyfriend, and tons of friends that are waiting with baited breath for these surgeries to be successful. They would do anything for me and I feel so loved, but no one can truly understand. 
     ALONE. This is one of those instances where a person can't understand unless they have gone through it too. This is a journey I have had to go through alone for twenty six years. My mom has been a rock for me and I know she is just as full of emotions as I am. She worked to give me sight and now we are trying to change it. However, no one else has had to go through the journey. That is the one down side of being "special". I am a rare case. The one person I know would understand and be with me 100% would be my dad. He has gone through all of this and would completely understand this massive step I am taking. I miss him so much right about now. I was planning on going to visit the cemetery before the procedure on Wed, but the snow has made that impossible. I know he is with me and I know his arms are around me during the emotional tornado.
     NUMB.  I just feel numb.